US Department of Edumacation press release (Allegedly)
There has been much discussion lately of our Principal Ambassador program, a program in which US DOE-indoctrinated principals are inserted into school settings where they can sort of work for the school district while spreading the good word of Common Core Etc. This was spun off of our successful Teacher Ambassador program which replaced classroom teachers with special US DOE agents. Both programs were conjured up as a way to keep local districts in lineprovide federal guidance.
Some have said that these programs are classic Duncan Vaporware– programs that are announced with some fanfare and then ignored, almost as if few people in the real world were actually interested in Arne’s great ideas, or as if the department is more interested in announcing things than actually accomplishing things. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, we are pleased to announce several more Ambassador programs!
Ambassador librarians will be embedded in school libraries, where they will make sure that students are following federal guidelines for reading selections. Should a student attempt to check out a book below his grade level for some lame reason like “he enjoys it,” the ambassador librarian will apply a federal ruler rigorously to the child’s hand.
Ambassador Lunch Ladies
Ambassador lunch ladies will be place in cafeteria lunch lines, where they will make sure that every student takes some federal cheese (motto: still smelly after thirty years). Ambassador lunch ladies will also circle through the dining area to scold all students who have not eaten all their vegetables. They will also be responsible for monitoring the federal grumpiness guidelines, and report to the department any other lunch ladies who are too often cheerful.
Ambassador Bus Drivers
Ambassador bus drivers will be responsible both for making sure the bus travels where it is supposed to and also for making sure that all the passengers are happy about it. Ambassador bus drivers will be trained in leading the new federally-produced cheerily-engineered songs “If You’re Happy I Should Know It” and “It’s For Your Own Good.”
Let’s face it. One of the major factors in student learning is the home situation, and we have learned that many of you weak, lying, sad excuses for parental units would rather talk about “love” and “support” and your precious baby than give the child the rigorous ass-kicking he probably needs. So this federal program will put an additional federally-funded parent in your home to monitor your proper use of motivational techniques and to oversee homework production. Families will also be instructed in proper use of federal bed time standards as well as the federally-approved manner for tucking small children in without exceeding the federally-supported number of bedtime kisses.
The bottom line here is that we can’t trust you yahoos to do anything right. We give you all these great programs and instructions and you insist on making your own choices about your own lives and acting as if the federal government doesn’t know best. Time after time, we come up with awesome programs like Common Core– dammit, I can never remember that third word– what was it-well, never mind, because now that I think about it, we totally DID NOT come up with that one. But we provide these swell programs and people don’t just adopt them.
So why shouldn’t we send some of our people out there to nudge you along? Why shouldn’t we send someone out to help you make the right choice (and to let us know that you’re making it)?
These programs are going to be hugely popular. People want to do the right thing, and we know what the right thing to do is, so everybody can be happy!
Our only concern is that demand might be so high that we won’t have enough ambassadors to go around. But we have a plan– we could use distance learning techniques and if an actual ambassador isn’t available for your location, we can set up web-cams and internet linkage. Ambassador-cam can be your friendly help and our friendly eyes.
With those types of resources, we can eventually launch the last of the ambassador program– one that creates an ambassador sibling. Someone friendly and close to you, to help you through every tough situation while keeping you on the right path. It would probably be an older sibling. Probably a boy. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
By Peter A. Greene
Peter Greene is a veteran teacher and
has a blog called “Curmudgucation.”